I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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