I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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