I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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