I'm passing your future prison.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
