alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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