My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
