Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
