I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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