We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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