Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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