So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
