just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
