im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hell yes lets make some ravioli
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
