ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
