ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
