when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
