She is in my trunk
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
