so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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