i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
