Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
