I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
