When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
