You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
