I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
