I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
