I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
