His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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