Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
