you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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