I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
