My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize