I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
