Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
