i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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