new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
