I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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