Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
