Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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