nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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