im six kinds of drunk right now
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
