i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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