toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
