I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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