I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
