ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think I just sharted jello shots
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