I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
