I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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