I wish my penis had an off switch
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
