The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
