the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Someone shit on the floor
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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