I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
