there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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