Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
