Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize