She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
