is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
