I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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