you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
